Monday, February 4, 2008

A very difficult, but very right decision

Well, I have some news to share.

Let me preface this post by telling you that I'm a caregiver for 6 infants, ages 7-11 months, at a childcare ministry designed to provide care for children of teen moms and moms continuing their education.

This decision came after much praying, talking and LOTS of crying, but I'm going back to being a SAHM. First of all, I know that there are MANY of you who would LOVE to do this, but don't have the freedom to do so, so I want you to know that I realize how very blessed I am to be able to make this decision without money being the issue.

We've weighed the pros and cons, prayed a lot about it, and though I'm really sad (MOSTLY because I HATE HATE HATE that I'm not going to be a daily constant in the lives of the babies I've already built bonds with), I have a complete peace that I'm doing the right thing.

What it boils down to (and some agree and some disagree) is that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am FIRST to be an excellent wife and mother to my husband and child still living at home. And working outside the home, in the job I've been working in, has left me exhausted, sick at times, and taken me away from doing what I know God wants me to do.

My house is in disarray most times, the laundry piles up MUCH more than it ever has, we eat out WAY too often, I'm not available or don't have the energy to help Matthew and spend time with Matthew like I know he deserves....and the list goes on and on. I've come to realize that Matthew deserves to have me here, just as much as Karen did, and that I cannot, since $ isn't the issue, short him that way, kwim?

This job was given to me at a MUCH needed time in my life. Making the transition of having our daughter off to college, and finding out who I really was, was something I know that God provided that job for. For a season, I touched the lives of other babies and young mommies, and know that it was for a purpose, but now it's time for me to step back and do again what I know I was called to do.

I cannot tell you how many tears I have shed over this...and I sit here crying as I type. Mostly because I have such an incredibly deep love for those babies....I cannot even describe it. I've felt guilty for leaving, like I'm a quitter, but that, I know, as God has revealed to me, is just the enemy keeping me from focusing on what I know in my heart is right. I know that God will provide someone else just as, or more so qualified than I am.

It's a VERY hard job, for VERY little pay (though that is ABSOLUTELY NOT the reason I'm leaving) and it really is ideal for someone not looking for the $, but for somewhere to serve, to minister. But right now, my place to serve and minister is in my home....

So....there ya have it. That's what's been swimmin' around in my brain and my heart for the past several weeks.... I've told my boss (who is VERY sad that I'm leaving but just as equally as supportive) that I would give her a couple of weeks, and help train whoever she hires for that position.

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